At war with myself

So I apparently wrote this about 3 years ago...  Never posted because it was so whiny.  But my, my, my! What a difference can happen!  I'm *still* not looking forward to May.  But I have finally gotten the chance to toss that damn box out the window.  I have *finally* (Oh, and after this post, I searched! Lots, and lots of frogs out there!) found the guy that treats me, and loves me, just the same as I do him.  Maybe not "love at first sight", but definitely that <CLICK> like the key has finally popped the lock.  He heard it, I heard it.  It was truly the scariest moment of my life.  I don't do the whole "I love you" half a week after a date.  I wait. I see. I measure. I debate. I soul search.  I wait a MINIMUM of 4 months of actively dating to see if I really am falling, or if it's just hormones.   But honestly, we were *both* struggling to not say those three terrifying words, within a week.  It's been 2 years (well, one and 11 months) I moved in with him in less than 4 months after our first date. It has been like we've been together for decades, and it was from moment one.  Right into a regular routine, as if it was something we'd always done.  So, even though May sucks.... March is pretty nifty!

*** I've come to the conclusion that aside from one or two occasions contained therein, May is a cruel and heartless month.  My father died in May. Last May, we had to put down our sweet D-dasha D-darlin'.  This May, my sister is no longer engaged, and I am also newly single.  And I am at war with myself over that.
     On the one hand, he wasn't right for me.  But I let the things I did like overshadow the things I didn't.  Because I was tired of being single.  He made me laugh more often than he made me cry, which is good, but he held back so much of himself, and that's not good.  He always wanted me to do for him, but rarely offered to do for me.  He complained about his weight, and gently offered that I might want to do something about mine, yet would always have ice cream, or pizza....  I'm at war with myself, because logically I know I should have ended it long ago, for the reasons above, and more.  And the logic part of my brain is reminding me that he was just not what would truly make me happy and content, instead of just not unhappy.  But the emotional part, the part that tends to get squished down and locked in a box too small and hidden away... She grieves. Grieves for lost dreams.  Grieves for what could have been, what *should* have been, and grieves because she still doesn't understand why no one wants to love her as much as she wants to love.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes....

    

 So I have this nifty degree...  And it has done nothing for me.  I mean, I know I live in a college town area and all, but, but... *sigh* I have had only one interview in these two months, and that was a telephone interview that I *thought* went well, but it's been a few days and they are still sending the position out in their newsletter.
     And now my number 2 is safely ensconced in his dorm room 24 tiny miles away from home, but may as well be light years.  I have been a hands on mom for nearly 22 years.  #1 turning 21 was bad enough, but this is my baby.  He's always been more independent, while #1 was always more responsible, almost biddable!  I was a wreck on move-in day.  I made it all the way up until it was time to leave him there...  (DAMMIT!! Who's cutting onions in here?!?!?!)  No, no, I'm fine. Really...  I know he'll be home nearly every weekend, but, now he'll be visiting.  I don't know how to let go.  I've never been precisely good at it.  And there is this stupid commercial with dad pulling "memories" out of the car as he cleans it for his daughter to drive off to college... I'm so glad I get this buffer period before that happens to me!  See, he's getting an associates in Business here at our local community college, and then he's moving away to college where it's too far for him to come home on weekends.  (oh! I think something at dinner might have been a little off...)  No really... I'm fine! IpromiseIthinkprobably.... Did I mention I'm not a real big fan of changes?

     Anyway, the really complicated shawl, has become a less complicated, not as pretty, but still acceptable shawl.  I have overreached again.  The socks, are complicated.  I have a few ideas to try on them. I have discovered that I really don't like making cuff down socks.  I really, really, really dislike the look of the heel on them.  I'm glad I discovered this when making ankle length socks instead of knee highs! I have very nearly finished a baby set for a preggers friend... Sweater, pants, small and larger booties, small and larger bib, burpy blanket, and lined bonnet.  I still have 2 sweaters, and a pile of hats, mittens, and scarves to go!

     Well! That was a wall of text!!!  Thanks for sticking with me!  And as usual...

Thanks for Noticing me!

It's official!

     I am the proud earner of an Associate's Degree with the title, "Applied Science in Business Administration"  Or something like that.

I don't have any of the paperwork proving it yet, and I should be getting one more Dean's List certificate.  College is weird.  I'm not sure it works the same at a physical campus, but...

In high school kids get honor roll, and/or are inducted into the honor society, and I'd never heard of them being charged for the honor, I have repeatedly been "invited" to pay $90 to become a member of some honor society or another.  That's just not right.  

     It has been a whirlwind week.  Two graduation dinners for my #2.  Trying to make sure he does the work so that those dinners weren't a waste of time.  A one year anniversary with the sweetest guy... (most of the time).  Being a contractor-sitter,and taking a two month leave of absence from my job to focus on finding a job with a future.  I took my leave 6 days ago, and haven't stopped since.  I'm *hoping* for a day tomorrow to do nothing.  No homework, no housework, no help work!  Just me, my computer, my yarn, and Amazon Prime video of The Musketeers BBC tv show. (:

So we're driving home from our anniversary dinner and he pulls over to the side of the road, jumps out and starts yanking wildflowers...  This is the result...  How sweet is that?!?!?!  "I had to get flowders for my girlfriend on our anniversary!"  Just so sweet.  I can't even.

So, as usual...  Thanks for Noticing me!

     Yeah, so.  Only six months this time!  I suck.  In my defense, I spend _so_ much time on the computer doing class work, that typing much more makes me a little cross-eyed! But the good news... It's almost over now!  In three weeks, I will have completed my two year degree that I now need to get any job I could have gotten right out of High School had I not been a naive ninny!  I have received either the Deans list or Presidents list honors in every quarter but 2. Both of those quarters were math courses.  Like, straight up math, with formulas and junk.  Urk.

     So let's see.  Ichi didn't make it.  My wonderful, amazing man did.  In three weeks, we will be celebrating a year of being together.  I have made some amazing things... A Skyrim Viking Helmet and detachable beard,  2 more throw blankets, Right now I'm working on my very first pair of socks, and a complicated shawl, so you know.  I think I like to make myself nuts.  Between school, work, family, crafts, and trying to mesh schedules with the Man so we get to spend *some* time together... whew.
   
     Oooh, speaking of... Next weekend I get date night!  One weekend a month he is Not Allowed to work, and we get to do something fun.  Even if it's just one night with pizza and wine and netflix and No Phones, where he doesn't fall asleep in an hour or less..

     Okay, enough is enough.  Hi guys!  There aren't many of you, but you're loyal, and I appreciate it!
As usual,

Thanks for Noticing me!
   

Eleven Months.

 
  I cannot believe it's been 11 months.  Just shy of a year!  Where the heck has the time gone?!  Well, as I mentioned in previous posts, I don't have a lot of pictures.  My photography fun was seriously curtailed by a plethora of issues.  So, let's see...
     In the past year, I received Deans' List honors ever quarter.  The classes have gotten more intense as I went along, so I haven't had as much time to play,  It's funny though.  The first class I took was very gung-ho about teaching us time management, but it wasn't until this most recent class I'm taking about Personal Finance that I've actually started being able to get off my "Let's do things randomly" wagon and really plan out how I'm spending my time.  It may be because the only really big change in my life this year has been the addition of the most amazing man I have ever met, agreeing to see past my incredible stack of baggage and want to share his limited time with me.
     What a comedy of errors that started out as!  You see, I was on a dating site.  I signed up just about the same time, maybe a bit earlier, as starting this here blog.  Now needless to say, when you live halfway to the back of beyond, and you have issues with traveling, and you aren't using a really well known site, the options are truly limited.  I went on 3 first (and only) dates in 4 years, and was chatting casually with 2 guys off and on.  One was fun in a friend kind of way, the way you think "I really like this guy, but thinking about dating him kinda creeps me out".  The other I thought was completely wrong for me.  I smoke, he doesn't, I'm a cat people, he has dogs.  He's a morning person, I'm a night owl, he's a Republican, I'm an Indie... Just total polar opposites, you know?  And I really liked talking with him.  He would ask me out for coffee on a fairly regular basis, but I was terrified to meet him in person because I thought that the real me over cyber -me would send him packing.  Then I hit a very low point.  I had just lost a relationship that although mildly toxic, was one that I had counted on.  Something I thought was permanent.  And even though I was the one that pointed it out and ended it, it was still like *slowly* pulling of a very sticky bandage.  Then I went on a "first and last" with someone that spent a week telling me how great I was, how much he liked me, and then suddenly saying "...it isn't going to work out, bye".
     That was it.  I'd had it.  I was going to officially scare away the last guy to ever show interest in me, and get it over with.  I was just going to be alone for the rest of my life.  Give up.  So this time, when he asked me out for coffee, I shocked him half to death by saying yes.  Well, now we have a small problem.  He had just picked up 2 more jobs.  The man is a workaholic.  Okay, he's not, but he's very aware and responsible.  It had become automatic for him to ask me out, and expect me to politely decline.  He said he didn't expect a yes, but he had to try. I asked why, he told me it was because he was in love with my pictures.  I said that was a silly reason.  He agreed. (:
     Our first date was at a diner.  We agreed on coffee, and fries with gravy, (What? You put gravy on mashed potatoes don't you?) When the waitress asked if we wanted separate bowls of gravy, he said, "Nah, I trust her cooties."  I was really going to hate it when this guy turned around and said he was "not good enough for me"  or "You're so great, I can't be with you"  or whatever other line he was going to use when he ran.  I made no effort at all to hide any of my flaws.  I *wanted* him to run.  We talked until he was 2 hours late for only his third shift at one of the new jobs.  (he dropped that one... for the record) That was the end.  I started calling my cell phone my boyfriend.  It seemed that there was never a shortage of things to say.  Whatever differences we had seemed to not ever get in the way.  I fought.  I didn't want to get invested in this budding relationship.  But he was sweet, everything he said to me he backed up with actions.  See, we'd been talking for 4 years, so he knew a lot of my baggage, and he handles it with care.  I never asked him to tell me his whereabouts, but he always gave me his schedule for the day.  He makes me laugh every single day. He dances with me to no music. He plays with me.  He plays!  Silly fake arguments about nothing at all,  Just anything we can make fun of, we do. He supports my actions, listens to me sort through my decisions, and holds me close whenever he gets near me.
     So why, you ask, do you have to suffer through this novel of a post?  Because everyone else is sick of hearing it, and I can't tell it often enough.  It has only been 5 months, but in that time, we have stuffed a years worth of relationship.  And even though I still worry now and then that something will happen to snatch it away, I'm finally letting myself hope that nothing will.
As usual my dear friends

Thanks for Noticing me!

My Big Idea!

     I had a big idea.  My town is moderately close to an urban area, but is distinctly rural, and nearly 1/5^th of the population here lives under the poverty line. (2012 US Census)  Our children are mostly stuck at home because there really is not anything to do.  In order to get to social events, they need to go an average of twelve miles, one way, to the city.  I believe that if our town had a recreation center for them, they could get out, and get moving more.  I would love to have a place for them to go to get off the video games, and computers to learn things that relate more closely to everyday life when they are grown.  A place for them to do activities that they, and the rest of the community, find fun, and appropriate. 

Harvest Festival at the elementary school

     A quick, unofficial survey of my kids, their friends, and their friends’ friends, tells me that the boys, and even some of the girls, would like to build a parkour (free running) course.  Leggo league, and a robotics club have also been bandied about.  I was hoping for a cooking course, a garden, and things like teaching them how to manage savings, write resumes, and even clean.  No one can say it is not important for kids to learn responsibility, and learning to take care of themselves is the first step.

 

     In order to get this project started, I would need to attend a town meeting and bring it up there.  First though, I would like to find parents to come to our own meeting, to go over what they would like to happen.  It would not make much sense to ask the town to consider it, if no one was going to use it.  I have a small circle of parents that I know, and they are all for it, but I think most of the parents, if not all, should have input on the project.  It’s important that we get as much information as we can as to what the parents want to see their kids doing, and what the kids want to do, and then what we, as a community, can afford.

     Having a center in our own town would mean that no one would have more than an average of 6 miles to drive, with the option to return home while the kids are at play, rather than trying to find something to do downtown .(Google)  It is safer to drive slower, on our roads rather than the main highways, reducing the chances of getting into an accident due to wildlife.  What I hope for is that we can get a lot of donations, and grants to help us.  I want this place to be as close to free as we can get it.  Maybe we could even run it on a sliding scale basis.  How great would that be?

http://www.census.gov/censusexplorer/censusexplorer.html
google.com/search Enfield

2 parter

It seems the more time I have, the less of it is free.  For my writing class, we are supposed to do a "presentation" using something other than Word.  She said something about blogs and I jumped at it...  A legitimate reason to be here! so first this post, and then I'll do the assignment to link to class.
A little catching up, for the first term, I got on the Deans List.  *happy dance*!  Then second term... Presidents List!  *happy dance* brokemyarmpattingmyselfontheback!  Who knows what'll happen this term!  I can't claim I'm enjoying myself, but I am proud.
I'm afraid this isn't the only thing to have suffered.  I haven't any new kitty pictures.  Have a story about Christmas though.  Every year the girls get new collars.  This year we stripped them early, and put their tags on the new collars before wrapping them.  How do we get them to open a wrapped gift?  Catnip.  Well, the only one with catnip in it was Monas, guess which one is *still* missing?
Actually, I do have a little something for you... An autumn storm turned Taughannock falls into a chocolate falls. (:


Well, as usual, Thanks for Noticing me!

 Wonka works