Jealousy

I'd like to insert a link to the song *here*, but I'm not technically savvy enough to do it.

 I have too many interests, and not enough time, or ambition.  So I'd *like* to learn how to do that, and I'd *like* to learn how to sew and design well enough to make some costumes, (my mom was AWESOME at that when I was a kid), and I'd *like* to be the geek I know is in me.

I have piles of patterns in both knit and crochet, that I'd like to make, and books full of new stitches, and techniques.  I also have just enough agoraphobia to keep me home nights, and weekends, but not so much that I can't go shopping, or to work.

I have jealousy against those people that go out and do the things they love.  I'm always sure that the next time the opportunity arises, is the time I go and *DO IT*.  But there's always an excuse.  There are too many things to do, too many things that *need* to be done first, not enough time, not enough money, but it all boils down to finding my ambition.

The one thing I dislike most about my ordinary, dull life, is that I don't get to have cool stories.  If someone wrote my life as a book, there would be no takers.  Nothing exciting happened, or happens.  Which normally makes me extremely happy.  Exciting things are usually only pleasant after the fact, or exciting after the fact, or uplifting after the fact.  The fact is, that when the interesting thing is happening, it's usually pretty terrifying.  Sickness, action, adventure, travel....  Once you've overcome, and rested up, it's a great story to tell, but as it's happening, all you usually want is to go home.  Sleep in your own bed, have a decent cup of coffee, take a shower.

But there's still that niggle in the back of my head....  I want to go to a geek con, and meet actors that I admire, (or admired their characters) and other people that share my brand of oddness... I'd like to go to a big amusement park, and ride all the cool rides, just for the experience.  I'd like to try the color run, just because it sounds fun, (of course I don't want to die, so that's probably one of the most far out things that have passed through my brain).  I'd *really* like to make money doing things I love, and carrying out cool ideas I've had, but again, there are so many things involved in doing that, that I have no idea where I'd even start.

So instead, I sit here at my computer, and I blog about it, and I feel jealousy, not searing, all-encompassing, jealousy, but just a small bit, against those that go out and *do*.  All the well wishes in the world, and the "you can do it"s, won't be able to change me, or my situation.  I'm just glad I have a great imagination, a love of reading, and books, and blogs, to take me anywhere I'd like to go.

Happy Spring!  And...

Thanks for Noticing me!